Crazy Things I’ve Said As A Mom

  1. “Please stop eating spider webs.”

This is real. I have said this many times especially since fall arrived. My 4-year old eats everything including spider webs and wadded up paper that he has coined: paper gum!

Caught eating “paper gum”
  1. “Don’t fart on the baby’s head.”

When the baby was just 3 months old, my then 5-year old farted on his head, “so he could smell it.”

  1. “Stop playing penis guitar.”

No explanation needed except that I say this A LOT!!

  1. “Don’t eat food from the vacuum.”

This was more like: “No! What are you doing?”, but you get the idea!

  1. “Did you really just swallow part of the spork?”

An ER visit later and a call to the big chain restaurant that provided the spork, my son made it unharmed. The spork didn’t fare too well though. Said restaurant no longer uses plastic utensils.

  1. “Yes, that is a huge poop, but you didn’t need to share it with me. And I will not take a picture to send to Dad.”

My son, known in our family as “the gas man”, does have man sized poops at the young age of 6, and he loves to share them with us.

  1. “There was an apple sticker in his poop?”

My 3-year old LOVES apples. He eats 2-3 a day. I buy apples in bulk. No joke…I bought 15 pounds of apples last week. I guess one day he decided to enjoy his apple with a side of sticker.

  1. “No! He did not just eat pincher bugs?”

Yes, this happened! Preggo with #3 at the doctors, I get a call from my husband telling me that my then 18-month old ate a handful of these creatures. I feverishly googled “my kid ate pincher bugs”, and to my surprise LOTS of posts came up. No harm just some added protein.

  1. “Those are lady napkins.” (In reference to the tampon machines in public restrooms)

Yes. This comment has haunted me since the words left my mouth. Every time we enter a public restroom, I am asked all about lady napkins. My boys “wish (they)were girls, so they could use lady napkins”.

  1. “Don’t bite your brother’s toe nails.”

This was met with: “But they are so yummy!”

This is life with 4 boys, all under age 6!